Hold Me
by mooncheese1331
Summary: I feel like my world has been shattered. Very, very slowly. Like stabbing myself in the gut. Actually, I would prefer that right now. It's a morbid thought that I entertain, very un-Vega-ish, but I think it anyway. Eventually I sigh and realize that I'm holding back tears. "Is she going to be okay." It's a statement, not a question.
1. Chapter 1

My phone has gone off eight times in the past five minutes. Sikowitz groans, telling me to answer it and I silence my ringtone, as catchy as it is.

My face pales at the words that I barely process.

"Your mother was involved in a car crash with a drunk driver."

I feel like my world has been shattered. Very, very slowly. Like stabbing myself in the gut. Actually, I would prefer that right now.

It's a morbid thought that I entertain, very un-Vega-ish, but I think it anyway.

Eventually I sigh and realize that I'm holding back tears. "Is she going to be okay." It's a statement, not a question.

I press my knuckles to my lips, so hard that both turn white.

"Okay. Thank you." I whisper, although I haven't the slightest clue why I'm thanking the guy on the phone.

I hear a ringing in my ears and I squeeze my eyes shut in that way I only do when I'm about to start bawling. My shoulders start to shake and my fist never leaves my mouth, preventing my lips from parting and my throat to start crying.

I feel a tear slide down my cheek, and then another, and then it's just a river.

I glance around the classroom and without a word, leave, picking up my bag and marching out the door. I walk to my house, and collapse on my bed, the springs squeaking under my sudden arrival. I'm shaking, and the fist has left my mouth, but no noise is coming out. I feel like someone just sucked my soul out of me and I can't get it back, no matter how hard I try.

I get up at some point, long enough to turn off the light before collapsing into the fetal position again. My hand finds the small stuffed bunny I've never had the heart to donate and I hug it to my chest. I'm aware of someone walking up the stairs but I don't care. It could be a mass-murder, it could be Lane, it could be a rapist, I don't give a shit.

I hear a knock on my door and I sniffle, wiping my eyes. It doesn't help anything; the tears are still running down my face without permission. The door opens and I squeeze my eyes shut.

I feel the bed dip next to me and a hand rub my forehead. I open my eyes and the tears resume their flow. I see a person standing and the person sitting is hidden from my blurred sight. Their hand feels feminine though.

I feel my phone ring and I answer it automatically, cutting off Moth's Wings by Passion Pit.

"I'm so sorry honey, so, so sorry…the doctors did everything they could. She sent her love to you and your sister. I'm at the hospital…bring your sister to say your goodbyes."

The person hangs up and a wail finally breaks from me, ripped from my lungs like fire from smoke. I throw my phone across the room, so it hits the wall, and the glass shatters into tiny little pieces, and the back pops off and I start to sob.

I'm falling through the clouds and the sidewalk is approaching incredibly fast.

I hear a soft voice come from the person next to me. "I didn't know you liked Passion Pit." I wipe my eyes and recognize the person as Jade.

I want to scream at her, scream at her to get out. Just leave me to die, to die with my mom.

I hear the door downstairs slam shut and sobbing racks the entire house. I hear a smash and bolt upright as a terrible scream reaches my ears. I run down the stairs and find Trina in a puddle next to the couch, a picture frame of what used to be our family shattered next to her. She's crying like I know I must be, and she's screaming a little, and Jade and who I now recognize to be Cat are standing awkwardly at the top of the stairs and I collapse on the floor next to Trina and we sort of hold each other for a while until my shaking subsides and her screams die down. It feels like hours.

I pick up the photo from the wreckage of the picture frame, staring at the woman that no longer exists. I hold it to my heart, and the shaking starts all over again, but the crying doesn't come, just shaking. I finally get up and grab Trina's keys and she gets up and we walk to the car, completely forgetting about our guests and we drive to the hospital and ask for my mother and tell the nurse that yes, we're her fucking children and yes, we would like to say goodbye and yes, we have been crying so of course we look upset. She gives us a room number and we enter the elevator and go to her floor and to her room and it opens and the white of the walls blinds me.

Trina runs to the shell of our mother. She looks dead.

The EKG is still beeping but her expression is blank, like the canvas that she and I painted together on. I'll have to get that from her office and put it in my room.

I look at my dad, he's a mess, and the doctor steps out and I stroke mom's face and kiss her and tell her it's going to be okay and that we love her and that we'll see her someday.

Trina does basically the same thing and I can't help but notice how cut up her face is and how there's a dark bruise forming on the entire left side of her and how her brunette hair is matted with dried blood.

I give her a hug and Trina does the same and then the doctor comes in and says some stuff and then he flicks a few switches and the EKG is done beeping and then there's just a loud sting of a note and then he disconnects that too and then there's a white sheet and I leave with Trina and go home to cry some more because she's gone, she's really gone and I feel like I'm going to die too.

I notice that Jade and Cat are sitting on the stairs like nothing ever happened. How dare they.

I run to the bathroom and puke. I puke my body feels like a telescope, falling in on itself, and my head's pounding and my body's capsizing and I can't help but wonder if this is what mom felt like before her brain stopped working.

The thought makes me puke again. My back arches and I haven't spoken a word since the hospital and I don't think I will ever again.

I walk out the front door, aware of the girls that follow me like a shadow, and my sobs resume, and I walk down the block to her law corporation and I march down the hallway and into her office and I look at the painting that's just hanging there on the wall and I take it down and hug it to my chest before leaving, a silent Jade and Cat trailing behind me.

Once I'm back at my house I march up the stairs and take down my giant calendar and hang the picture in its place. It's a 36x36 canvas and the Los Angeles skyline is plastered in acrylic paint over it.

I start to shake again.

I feel soft arms wrap me from behind and I glance in my mirror. There's mascara tracks running down my face and I can't find it in me to care. I follow the arms and realize it's Jade.

My mouth opens slightly, and no noise comes out and she looks earnestly into my eyes and I can't help but admire how beautiful they are. Little crystals of ice blue melt into vast expanses of green and I smile despite the situation and my mouth forms two words: _Hold me._


	2. Chapter 2

Jade holds me for a good ten minutes and Cat sits on my bed and I become aware of the sobs that I'm choking on and she presses her lips to my temple and then time freezes.

Her perfect body presses into me and I'm still crying but her lips are on me and for the longest time that's all I've ever wanted.

My sobs start to subside slightly, turning more into the shake-crying. Jade is still capturing me in her embrace and my eyes are still leaking without permission.

Then, it all stops. I'm still shaking, but my eyes have stopped producing moisture. Cat hands me a glass of water and I drink it, but nothing happens. Just…silence.

I rub my eyes. They're sore. I pull my hair back into a ponytail to keep it off my tear-stained face.

Then, instead of anger, I feel something else entirely.

_Anger_.

Pure rage. Rage at the driver that T-Boned her, rage at my mom for giving up so easily, rage at myself for not doing so many things with her and it's boiling up and up and up and then-Bam.

It's eerily calm. I pick up my guitar (one of them anyway) and calmly beat it against the wall before throwing it out my window.

Jade's mouth pops open in a little 'O' and I squeeze my eyes shut. I'm shaking again.

This time with anger.

I calmly walk to our basement, where my punching bag lies. I also have an assortment of kicking dummies, pads, and various pieces of gear. Also a cabinet filled with nothing but sports bras. In the corner is one of those rock climbing things that you mount to the wall and you can do pull-ups on the wall with.

My vision is edged with a reddish tint as I wrap my hands in tape and kick off my shoes, grabbing a pair of yoga pants and not bothering with the sports bra, just throwing my top across the room and shoving my feet into the pants. I'm vaguely aware of Jade and Cat watching me in the corner.

I center myself with the bag and let the first hit fly.

The bag goes sprawling backwards, and I catch it with my next fist. I punch and punch until my knuckles start to bleed and then I start to kick, roundhouses, front snaps, anything.

Each time the bag gets hit, a little shard of my anger dissipates. Even when my rage is gone, I hit it, just because it's simple and I can.

_Left-right-kick-right-kick-left. Left-right-kick-left-right. _

I go through the exercises I don't know how many times and manage to catch a look at myself in the mirror.

My hair is matted with sweat and my body is so coiled, so tense, but my face just looks determined. My mouth is set in a straight line and my eyes are cold, dead, hard.

I hear a little squeak from behind me and I spin around to see the source of the noise: Cat. Trina's watching, too.

I move to the pads. Trina stumbles down the stairs and holds one out for me. I kick it out of her hand.

I quickly become bored with this game and go back to the punching bag.

Eventually my muscles get tired, but I can't stop. If I stop, I'll be in more pain than I am now.

I'm aware of Cat and Trina leaving and I know Jade's stayed. I want to cry.

Finally, I throw the last hit and step out of the way as the bag swings back to me.

I'm covered in sweat and my muscles are still tense, but I have to admit that felt good.

I grab a towel and wipe the moisture from my body. Jade's studying me.

I pull my shirt over my head and leave the yoga pants, they're comfy. I stalk up the stairs and Jade wordlessly follows me.

Trina's sitting on the couch/Cat and Cat's pretty much supporting her weight while she sobs.

"God, I am so fucking _pissed_." I pause. "I want to hit something again."

I settle on going for a run instead, Jade tagging along. I'm sprinting as far as my legs will take me, my lungs burning, my need for air slowly making itself known. I peter out and slow to a stop when it finally hits me. Like, really hits me.

I don't have a mom anymore.

The world no longer has a Holly Elizabeth Vega.

Jade catches up to me and I shoot her a pained glance, tears leaking out of my eyes and all I can mutter is "She's gone."

I know I haven't even told Jade what happened yet, but now is as good a time as ever I suppose.

"If it weren't for that _stupid, asinine, coward drunk_ of a man that fucking _killed _her, she would still be here." I hiss. I'm seething, and I'm crying, and to anyone on the street I must look mentally insane.

Jade rubs my back slowly and I let myself relax under her touch.

"I don't have a mom anymore." I whisper, tears jerking from me like leaves in autumn.

Jade presses her lips to my eyelid this time.


End file.
